Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I love you. Go after that dick
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
