He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
