Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
I wish there were birth control emojis
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
