I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Randomize
