youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
