1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
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