you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
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