I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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