Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
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