dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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