just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Randomize
