You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Randomize
