i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
Randomize
