I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
