note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Randomize
