Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
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