I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
