Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Randomize
