I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
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