I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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