ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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