u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Randomize
