I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
You did what with his pubic hair?
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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