Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I think a kid would responsible me up
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Randomize
