i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
