The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
