i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
