She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
