I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
