So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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