Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
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