Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Randomize
