As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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