I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
We need to get me chipped asap
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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