ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize
