Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Randomize
