just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
