drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
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