She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
