can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Randomize
