Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
