Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Randomize
