There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
