you would pick up someone in the library
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Randomize
