Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Randomize
