My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Randomize
