I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Randomize
