my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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