True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
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