I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
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