It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy�
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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