you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
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